When you’re part of a marginalized group you get used to the taste of blood

From biting your own tongue so often. From having to sit in those few seconds after a comment or joke is made. Those few seconds that feel like a lifetime as you decide “should  I say something?” and often we bite our tongues. Whether it be because we don’t have the energy, we don’t feel safe, or we’re just too damn busy to educate another person.
I’ve bitten my tongue so many times throughout my life I’m surprised it hasn’t fallen off
(re: Where are you going? Please Stay)

People often jump down my throat when I tell them someone said something offensive about SW and I didn’t correct them. While I’ve never had anyone threaten me because of what I do, it happens. People have been killed, raped, robbed. Every new person I out myself to I have to think about this. Will they react this way? Will they tell one of their friends who may then cause me harm? Its a gamble every time.

In one of my  recent post I left out a part of our conversation that has stuck with me, I’d put my foot in my mouth and said my ex roommate was threatening to blackmail me. He naturally asked with what and I said I didn’t want to tell him so he just said “Oh so like she has videos of you peeing on a bed with hookers?” I laughed and said “my family wouldn’t care about that honestly” his eyes widened “……but theres hookers there!!!”
And there it was – the situation I all too often find myself in. Do I speak up? Do I defend them? Do I make a small remark about the fact that ‘hookers’ are regular people? Any of these options can raise suspicion in the person I’m talking to. Or do I bite my tongue and swallow my words in order to keep myself safe? To keep my energy sacred?
In a few seconds I thought it all over and processed all the potential outcomes.
If I out myself he could freak out, yell, kick me out. If there’s anything I do know about him its that he wouldn’t understand he’s too young, too privileged, too sheltered in many ways. I don’t know how he’d react, but I know it wouldn’t be good.
I could make a small comment and point out the fact that SW are just people, but then he’d potentially wonder why I was invested enough to defend them along with his suspicion of how I make my money- game over.
In this case I bit my tongue, didn’t say anything, keep my relationship with him, got laid. Now I sit with the discomfort of knowing I fucked someone who could never accept part of my identity, part of my life.
As fun as the sex was – he didn’t deserve access to any part of my body.

The epitome of health

I convinced my therapist and physician to give me the ok on Xanax.
I definitely do have anxiety, but the panic attacks are so rare compared to two+ years ago that I don’t think I can honestly say I “need” it.
I just want to have it so I can fuck around and barter for adderall.
So my reward for going to the gym today is picking up my prescription.

My depression was/is definitely creeping up, but I’ve started working out again which helps a lot. I need structure and goals I’m actively working toward in order to feel fulfilled. The past 6 weeks has been a mess, no working out, tons of travel, drinking and binge eating garbage. Its time for me to get back on track. I need to loose another 15 lbs (ideally 20) by June.
My therapist and I touched on my compulsions last sessions and its something I want to further explore -why am I like this?
If I’m healthy I’m super healthy – eating well, gym, yoga, dance. If I’m working toward a solid goal in school I focus on that as if I have tunnel vision. If I’m abstaining from sex I’m abstaining from personal dating in any shape or form.
But just the same
If I’m not healthy I’m binging on garbage food, binging on booze, binging on men, binging on shopping – until I quite literally make myself sick, like i have this round having my depression creep back up on me.

Now I’m like Okay, I’m gonna work out and go back on my healthy eating…but I’m going to abuse adderall and Xanax. I’m still not sure where my stance is on men. If I’m honest with myself I do want to just go to a bar and pick up a new hot guy every other night, I’m insatiable once I start and its just so easy. But I’m also aware that won’t fulfill me so I want to find one or two I can tolerate who are actually good in bed and can see me regularly. I can’t have just one I get too attached and one can never give me everything I need/want.
The only men who’ve ever been able to live up to my standards of money, care, sexual appetite, intellect, and empathy have all been Sugar daddies. Maybe theres something to the fact that most men say “I can’t give you everything you want” when they dump me considering its  historically been used most often.
But I’ll never lower my standards considering I hold myself up to the same ones.

I feel good about the fact that I can stop to psychoanalyze and reflect on my compulsions. I’m not where I want to be, but I’m eons ahead of the girl I was in my early 20s.

That Much I Know

They will come and go
That much I know

Some leave quickly,
others like slowly ripping bandaids off my skin
tearing away pieces of me as they go

Some like an open wound
Some like scars that can’t be seen
Some like a gentle hug so light I have to question if they’d ever held me at all

I was never built to become the woman they stay for
Independent to a fault
Aspirations soaring through the sky
An infinite hunger for discovering all the other I’ve yet to see
That much I know

I am not immediately soft
I scare them
That much I know

And still they will always come back
Once they taste my heart
They end up starving for what I gave

No, I am not the woman they build a home in
That much I know

I am a fountain of power they long to understand,
to hold,
to tame.
That much I know

I am complexity
entropy
and synchronicity
most people can’t hold that
That much I know

Maybe I don’t want to be held
Maybe I do

I don’t know

I don’t know

Do I just need Ice cream or is my buddy Depression paying me a visit?

I keep crying. I can’t find the root of it.
Is it leftover emotions from the weekend with the musician? Is it the fact that my half sister contacted me asking about our biological father whom I haven’t spoken to in years? The potential mistake I made in sleeping with the other guy in order to run away from the feeling of longing? The fact that I’ve been taking adderall every other day? The stress that I have no upcoming work? Simply PMS? All of it?

Oftentimes I wonder if other people look into their emotions as much as I do. I’ve always felt a need to analyze them and figure out where they’re coming from – and why. Sometimes its maddening. Sometimes, like now – when I have no idea. and it truly could be early PMS (I’ve cried because I dropped cereal while PMSing so…gauging the reality of my emotions during these periods of time is difficult). But its always terrifying when I start to feel this way because I find myself asking “Is my depression coming back?”
I’ve struggled with depression since I was about 13. Not only do I have a genetic predisposition from both sides of my family I also had survived a lot of abuse by the time I hit 13. I grew accustomed to the cycle and learned to cope, at first in unhealthy ways. Then as I entered my 20s I coped more with art, travel, exercise. But sometimes there was nothing to do.
Sometimes I just lay in bed crying for days at a time.
Its difficult to admit because only those closest to me know how much I struggle. To everyone else I’m always put together, smiling, charming. Usually I don’t want to let my loved ones know. I feel like a burden – a bummer. And especially after my double depression in 2015 I know showing an ounce of depression coming back would have most of them jump to their feet worrying I’d off myself.
I don’t really have suicidal ideations anymore. Which is a big deal for me. from 13-20 then at again when A died I frequently thought about it. And attempted a couple times. I was constantly tired. It was all I could say to describe how I felt. Tired of living, tired of fighting, tired of trying to cope, tired of the abuse, tired of feeling trapped, tired of my own mind sabotaging itself. Tired.
This isn’t that anymore now my depression has changed into some strange form of apathy toward life. When it creeps up I have to fight like hell to get myself out of the house and do something, anything, that might snap me back to “me”.
But I always worry what if it doesn’t work? It doesn’t always work. What if this time I fall again. What if this is the time I don’t make it out.

And so sitting with a feeling of sadness and crying for days for no reason -terrifies me. Its a good sign that I am terrified, it means I’m still me and I can try to pull myself out of it. Once I stop being scared is when the real trouble hits.
Some people have bad days and can let themselves feel all these emotions then know it’ll pass. I have these bad days and spend half the time wondering if this is it. I’ve lost several people to depression and its a lifelong battle more often than not. Loved ones get used to it and say its just a phase and you’ll get out of it in time like you always have! But thats not true, not everyone does. I know that feeling. Standing on the ledge feeling nothing but pain, feeling like a burden, a failure, an open wound thinking “itll stop if I jump” and meaning it. Having to find yourself there time and time again is hard. And not everyone makes it out.

I can’t do anything but ask myself is it PMS? Do I just need to cry and lay in bed for a day or two? Or is my gloomy best friend back to pull me under?
I breathe in and get ready to fill up my schedule as much as I possibly can with work, research, friends, projects, travel – while thats the last thing I want to do. What I want to do is lay and not move, but thats giving it in, making it easy for depression to swaddle me in a blanket of darkness. The least I can do is keep busy and try to outrun it. Sometimes it works.

Maybe I’ll be back in two days writing about how I feel completely fine and it was a false alarm I just needed some ice cream and cuddles from my dog. Which would be great! I’ll feel dramatic and ashamed of this post, but I’ll leave it up. Its part of my reality. Not all of me is beautiful.

“Where Are You Going? Please Stay.”

Re: Short lived, but enriching

I’ll truly jump through hoops in order to not feel longing and I know thats why I initially replied to his text yesterday. I can feel loss, anger, pain, rage, fear – I can sit with them all, have a full on discussion and ask what they’d like from me…but not if the core of those feelings is longing. Longing is like swallowing my tongue whole. Not being able to breathe. Not being able to speak. Standing there paralyzed. Dying unable to ask for what I need.
Its something I grew up with every day since the day I was born. Longing for security, safety, love, stability…and never getting it. As I grew older I grew to run as fast as I could I’d rather feel anything else; drunk, high, full of adrenalin, near death, fucking strangers – anything but the yearning of that which I can’t have. Some people who grew up with an extreme longing throughout their childhood grow to be very good at longing – almost to a fault. The others end up like me. Its funny how quickly our minds will run to an extreme in order to avoid the one feeling we’ve grown to abhor more than any other.

Its not that I don’t like this guy I do, he’s a good guy, but its purely physical. I also get ridiculously horny once I sleep with someone its hard for me to shut it off again especially if I’m not committed. If I am I committed I control myself easily as I’ve an extremely monogamous heart. But I have to be honest with myself and realize no matter whether I wanted to sleep with him before or not – this time it stemmed from my desire to escape the original feeling of longing.

“You need to learn to sit with this feeling. It is going to be painful, you will cry, and you may go a little crazy…but at some point its a lesson you need to learn in order to be the healthiest version of yourself you say you’d like to be”
I sat there frustrated staring at my therapist…I didn’t want more pain I wanted to feel happy. Did that mean I wasn’t ready for all the changes I said I wanted to make? What the fuck was my problem.
To see a clear fork in the road and one that says “OLD COPING MECHANISMS” and the other “PATH TOWARD GROWTH” and take the former….thats how much I evidently hate longing.

So off I went. He kept complimenting me and touching the small of the back. I was short because I could be. After all, he said I was too nurturing when we were dating. Colds what he wanted so colds what he’ll get. Once I move someone out of the “romantic interest” compartment in my brain there’s truly no making your way back. Not to say I’m mean thats not really in my nature, but I’ll grow distant because I’ll know they’ll always come back..perhaps not because they want all of me but simply because they’re craving my energy or want someone to warm their bed. Thats ok with me.
He put his arm around me. I let him. This part felt familiar. We engaged in mindless smalltalk then he mentioned that he saw that I moved into my own apartment recently. He asked how I could afford it. I laughed. His eyes widened “So how do you afford all this?” I laughed more. He joked and asked “can I buy some cocaine off you?!” I pushed his shoulder and said absolutely not. I just said “We come from different worlds and the way we survive is very different just leave it at that.” I know he’d never accept me being a SW much less an escort. He’s too young, too arrogant, too unaware of what it feels like to not know whether you’ll eat the next day or if you’ll have a home next week. In retrospect I wish I had said I was a drug dealer – its more accepted than being a hooker. Now I’ll have to come up with a lie if I see him again.
I changed the subject and feigned interest I was merely waiting to see how he’d make his move.

Finally he did. We hadn’t slept together when we did date so I could sense his hesitation as he tried to gauge if I was going to let it happen. He lifted me and took me to the bed. Firmly put his hands around my throat and kissed me. This wasn’t gentle. It was animalistic, it was hunger. Perhaps even more so my own than his. So much so that for the first time in my life I tore – blood splattered out toward his chest, all over his torso, and forearms. He stopped and my immediate reaction was to laugh because in my mind it was such a vivid visual of the choice I’d made coming to fruition. Then I realized that probably made me look crazy so I acted concerned, which I started to be considering just how much blood there was. He carried me to the shower so we could get cleaned up.

Afterwards we lay on his bed, cuddling him was okay when we dated but it took me a while to warm up. This time I lay stiff trying my best to breathe deeply and normally. I decided to leave because I needed sleep and sleepovers are saved for a select few. I started crawling over him to leave.
He grabbed me by the waist and lay me back down “I have to go!” he looked shocked that I would even say such a thing I asked why he was making that face, “I thought you’d stay, you always would before”
I scoffed “Yeah thats when we were trying to build something emotional” I rolled my eyes and crawled over him again and slid toward the other side of his California King bed. He grabbed my forearm “I’d really like it if you stayed. Please stay. I want to cuddle and fall asleep holding you.”
I froze. I didn’t want to. I wanted to go home and fall asleep sprawled out alone in my bed. I’m so bad at saying no to men when they’re being vulnerable like this: aching for some companionship. I rolled my eyes again and went back to my spot in his bed he kissed my forehead “don’t do that. this isn’t that” he looked confused and said “lets just take it a day at a time” I didn’t want to talk so I agreed and turned over.

Would I do it again? Maybe. But I’d prefer it not be as a method of escapism.

Society Leads to a Deep Insecurity

“Are you only dating me because I have money?”
“Do you ever fake with me like you do with clients?”
“How do I know you actually have feelings for me?”

I’ve gotten all these questions several times if I tell the person I’m involved with that I do some form of SW. I can’t blame them for feeling insecure, but logic behind the questions is lacking.
If I wanted to date someone just because of the money they better be giving me money. The irony of it is that most of the wealthy men who’ve asked me this never gave me cash whereas those who did never asked and simply saw it as an extension of affection, sort of like a “hey I know you need it and I want you to do well, don’t stress about rent here you go!”. Either way I don’t really have it in me to date someone I don’t actually like, rich or not. If I’m being honest some days I wish I could because being a spoiled GF looks pretty sweet. Its just not my thing and won’t make me feel fulfilled.
The all too common are you faking because you fake with clients….ugh. This makes me want to roll my eyes so far back they create a damn orbit of their own.
Clients pay me. Its my job to make them believe and feel whatever they want to. If they want to feel like Gods in bed, I’ll do it. If they want me to insult them and tell them they’re shitty in bed, I’ll do it. Its my job – end of story. In my personal life why would I ever fake with anyone? What could I possibly get out of that? If I’m having sex with you in my personal life its because I want you, because I want mutual pleasure, because I want authenticity. So no I’m not going to fake just to boost your confidence – I’m not working – faking won’t really let you get to know what gets me off. Its an all around loose loose.
And finally the last question kind of ties into both. My work is exhausting. Men are draining. Being charming is draining. Walking into a room and figuring out what that person needs for the next X hours and becoming that is tiring. If I’m spending time with anyone in my personal life it is only because I want to. If anything sometimes I wonder why the men who ask this don’t feel a little bit more lucky that I am spending time with them instead of worrying if I like them. Yes! I’m here and happily using the last bit of energy I have to be in your company for free that is how much I like you.
I understand the insecurity and confusion. If the tables were turned I know I’d have a hard time so I do have patience. But I think part of the lack of logic in these questions is the fact that sex work still isn’t seen as work. I feel as though people think I just walk down the street a man hands me 2k and I just lay down and spread my legs open…that would be so great!
But its websites, persona, ads/marketing, professional photos, reviews, reputation. I spend about 10k a year on keeping up with all this and making sure my persona’s image is maintained. And thats just the behind the scenes work it doesn’t include emotional and physical labor. Its hard to know and embody what someone you’ve just met wants and no I don’t just mean sexually I mean energetically and personality wise you change and mold into what they need, not everyone can do it despite the constant whorephobic jokes people make of “Im so broke i’ll just be a stripper/hooker/cam girl” whenever I hear these jokes and people don’t know I’m a SW my blood boils. My soul will cringe, I bite my tongue and smile. Usually these comments are made by people who could never harness the energy needed to be a successful SW. If society saw SW as work I believe the people I romantically get involved with wouldn’t ask these questions as frequently…If only.

What Kind of Clients Do You Have?

I feel as though people usually assume creepy/gross men are the ones who hire sex workers (SW) and sure I get some creeps. It’s rare though. Never gross (showers are mandatory you guys). Most of my male clients are just lonely. We all need affection and companionship its truly that basic.
Living in tech central theres an abundance of young men with more money than they know what to do with. They’re overworked, overstressed, in need of companionship..friendship – half of the time these sessions are spent mainly talking and trying to get them to laugh and open up. Not to mention the fact that being young and in this position can have a huge impact on your mental health. As someone whose been a confidant to a plethora of successful men the past 6 years whether they be clients or sugar daddies I can say – it truly is lonely at the top for some.
I get older men who are widowed or in messy marriages- again lonely. I click well with these clients because my services have never been just walk in, get it on, and leave.
I offer something more than that. I connect to their pain and try to create a space where they can talk about it openly and freely if I’m doing my job well I’ll also channel their energy and turn it into happiness if only for a couple hours and thats the way I like it.
On the other end of the spectrum I also get hired by people who just want something fun to do on a business trip. I also get a lot of couples. This always seems to surprise people. Couples are in my top favorites, I’ve been lucky to never have any issues with jealousy as I’ve heard horror stories from friends. They’ve all been mid 20s to 40s and they’ve each been unique and wonderful in their own way. I bask in their connection and affection during our sessions because I can feel how much these people love each other, I find myself feeling lucky to be able to be part of that for an evening.
Most of my work is run on regulars I started in 2015 and about 50% of the clients I see regularly now I met then and a lot are from 2016. I prefer working with people who already know me it also means I’m good at what I do if people come back!
I wish there wasn’t all this stigma surrounding SW and the people who hire SW truth is we’re all just people – just like you and everyone you know.

Oh you have synesthesia – thats a psychic gift!

“People with synesthesia see the world in a different way. Often they go insane.”

Thats the first line of the first article I’ve looked into, it sounds about right. Whenever I smoke too much weed or have an edible my synesthesia gets activated and more often than not I curl into a ball and wait it out as my brain creates flashes of imagery for each sound I hear. Some cars are purple blocks moving west while others are orange balls moving east music swirls into a constellation of colors I don’t understand I can see exactly what people are doing in the other rooms based on the sounds they’re making. Hand gestures, body language, lips, doors opening and closing. And if I hear multiple things at once I do start to feel crazy… needless to say when that happens I run for the Xanax if there’s any nearby.
When I tell people I get one of three reactions 1. That sounds so fun! you’re so lucky!! 2. I don’t think weed can do that…are you sure? 3. Thats a psychic ability you should look into that!

“The main causes of synesthesia are genetics and trauma. Some people are born synesthetes, others become synesthetic after experiencing trauma.  Many other things can cause synesthesia if they can alter neural pathways.  Examples include deep meditation and mind-altering drugs. Not suprisingly, the way to becoming psychic seems the same as the way to become synesthetic.  Some people are born psychic, usually because they have psychic relatives (i.e. it’s genetic). Some people have a sudden awakening after some trauma or near-death experience. Finally, deep meditation, mind-altering drugs and certain spiritual practices can “awaken” psychic abilities. ”
Well, I know my mother had the same things happen when she smoked weed its why she stopped. In a way that saved her life, my aunts loved weed and unfortunately that was their gateway drug that led to a lifetime of drug addiction. So it seems this is genetic…I’ll be asking my grandma next time I see her (my grandma is very cool you guys).

Maybe this is something I’ll look into, if there’s anything I do know is that I don’t really know anything and that there’s a lot of different ways of knowing in this world.

Becoming Her

As I apply to grad programs I find myself smiling.
I always knew from a young age I’d either kill myself or if I didn’t, if I somehow made it out of the woods and away from all my abusers, I’d become an incredible woman.
That probably sounds morbid to a lot of people, but it was my reality and even at 13 I knew that.
My therapist once said to me “Its kind of a miracle that you don’t have a personality disorder, that you’re not more of a wreck, and that you’re not only functional in the world – but that you’re successful because most people who have lives like the one you had don’t get out or they end up locked up in mental hospitals rocking back and forth…your gift of resiliency is astounding”
I cried when she said that. While I’m so often told how strong I am rarely does the fact that I’m not a mess and that I’ve grown into the woman I am get validated. I’ve worked so hard to be who I now am. To have what I have. To know what I do. To survive and make something out of it. To stop perpetuating cycles of abuse that were placed onto me. To be better than the darkness that raised me.
My soul feels such a strong pull on the path I’m on. Knowing I’m doing it and knowing I’m becoming the woman I’m meant to be feels phenomenal as it does terrifying.
The most important part of overcoming trauma in my case has been making meaning out of it and gaining wisdom in order to support others. I feel triumph. I feel proud. I feel stronger than ever. Some days my feet hurt from walking a path covered in glass and flames. I keep my head high, I inhale and remember her.
I massage my own feet
heal my wounds
and keep walking
I have somewhere I need to get.