Becoming Her

As I apply to grad programs I find myself smiling.
I always knew from a young age I’d either kill myself or if I didn’t, if I somehow made it out of the woods and away from all my abusers, I’d become an incredible woman.
That probably sounds morbid to a lot of people, but it was my reality and even at 13 I knew that.
My therapist once said to me “Its kind of a miracle that you don’t have a personality disorder, that you’re not more of a wreck, and that you’re not only functional in the world – but that you’re successful because most people who have lives like the one you had don’t get out or they end up locked up in mental hospitals rocking back and forth…your gift of resiliency is astounding”
I cried when she said that. While I’m so often told how strong I am rarely does the fact that I’m not a mess and that I’ve grown into the woman I am get validated. I’ve worked so hard to be who I now am. To have what I have. To know what I do. To survive and make something out of it. To stop perpetuating cycles of abuse that were placed onto me. To be better than the darkness that raised me.
My soul feels such a strong pull on the path I’m on. Knowing I’m doing it and knowing I’m becoming the woman I’m meant to be feels phenomenal as it does terrifying.
The most important part of overcoming trauma in my case has been making meaning out of it and gaining wisdom in order to support others. I feel triumph. I feel proud. I feel stronger than ever. Some days my feet hurt from walking a path covered in glass and flames. I keep my head high, I inhale and remember her.
I massage my own feet
heal my wounds
and keep walking
I have somewhere I need to get.

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