Nothing has been truer considering my need to move in and out of so many different walks of life seamlessly since I was a child.
My ability to adapt or at times hide in plain sight is essentially how I’ve survived.
I recently got a new job in my field – its a huge opportunity. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to pull my hair out and cry every time I open up a new file and try to digest it. Its hard. Im under-qualified. My anxiety scratches at the back of my skull ha, you think you can do this? you’re going to fuck this up. you’re only kidding yourself. my paternal figure’s voice quickly piggybacks with a bellowing laugh you’re not smart like these people you dream too much, you’re not a smart girl.
My eyes water and my heart rate increases. I take a sip of water and straighten my posture I try to drown the negativity out you were chosen for a reason, you were built for this, yes- its hard…yes- you may make mistakes. This isn’t the first time you’ve been thrown into the water with minimal ability to swim, you always keep your head above water and learn to swim with the current.
This is just like anything else I’ve done in life….ok maybe with a lot more pressure. But there’s nothing I can do but smile, tilt my head back, charm and bond with the people around me in attempt to make the blows easier when I do make mistakes. Pretend I know wtf is going on to the best of my ability.
This is the first moment I’ve felt like “hey you ARE going to go into this field- you CAN do it” and for some reason instead of feeling immense joy I feel a constant nausea and desire to run away…..what is that?
I still know that this is what I want to do. Why am I so scared?
Of all the waters I’ve flung myself into I’ve never felt so crippled by fear.
Maybe its the xanax, molly, and coke bender I went on last week though….thats probably not helping if I’m being 100